strugglinmomma

I am attempting not to hate on my scale this morning…. I just know it should say something different than it does!!!  I constantly try to convince myself that the number on the scale doesn’t matter. It is more about me and how I live my life and treat myself! But every single morning I climb on that scale either damning myself (which is the case more times than not!) or  occasionally jumping for joy at the few ounces I have lost since the last time I weighed.  It is ridiculous!!  What do I think that magically in 24 hours I will get on and be like “OH cool, I am not fat anymore!”   If only…..

I really want this process to be more about me being healthy and setting a good example for my daughter than  about the weight loss. I want to learn for the FIRST TIME what it means to love myself enough to want to take care of myself and respect my body. I need to value myself  much more than I do now!!

The weight loss for me is always ongoing……kinda like a treadmilll….. you are moving but never to anywhere! I tell myself  “oh, todays the day girl!” And then life jumps in the way and its an excuse to do exactly what I want…. EAT! I want desperately to feel good about myself, have confidence, and feel “free” of this horrible weight I carry around (and I am not just talking about the extra pounds)! But somehow, no matter how good my intentions are or how hard I try, I seem to never stay on track. Which in turn really pisses me off at myself. Bottom line, I need to require more of myself! How can I teach my beautiful daughter to love and respect herself when I can’t even do it myself! For beginners, I must let go of the past. I cannot change what happened last year or last week but I can change what happens today. And I need to CONSTANTLY remind myself all I have is this moment, this decision, and I will worry about the next one when I get here. The fact I am continuously regretting the past or worrying about the future means I am not living in the present. The present is all I have, all that matters, all that I can change.